God is just so faithful ALWAYS and EVERY TIME, even when I am faithless.
In the span of just four months, I’ve seen God move in my life in ways I can’t even come close to explaining or writing about.
Today, I’ve finally closed the chapter in my life to open another door. For a few weeks since my last post, I’ve been struggling to build up the courage to leave a job that I had just started.
ANKLE DEEP: You see, at first, I thought the job was something that I’d be good at and enjoy doing. The orientation and training had sold me. I was excited. However, I was on the fence. I was given two options: I could take this job and do well at it or I could give up this job and look for another. Taking this job would mean that I wouldn’t have time for all of the other part-time side-jobs and responsibilities that I carry. (Like being the director of the youth ministry at my church, leading Bible studies, freelance writing, etc.) This job would consume all the hours of the day and 6 days a week. I had to really contemplate whether or not it was something that I wanted to compromise.
WAIST-HIGH: For a few weeks since working, each day I was literally mentally, physically, and emotionally challenged. Never had I ever been so stressed and drained over something that I completely dreaded, but the work had to be done. I’d come home exhausted, but always I had sleepless nights, stressing over what my next action to my decision would be. It was clear to me that what I needed to do was leave; therefore, the question then was how? I wrote my letter of resignation, and everyday, I was prepared to turn it in; however, I never built up the courage to do it. The letter was folded into thirds, sealed in an envelope, and I carried it in my bag for weeks. I’ve never been a confrontational person, so I knew this was an impossible thing for me to do. No matter how much I wanted to leave, I just couldn’t bring myself to expressing that to anyone I worked with.
NECK-HIGH: Miserably, I dreaded working each day. I’d pray each morning for God to help get me through the day, and He did each time. Sometimes, He’d give me a little surprise to lighten up my day. (On most days, He’d have a little, old grandma wait for me on her porch as I delivered her mail. On most days, she’d greet me with a “hello” while holding her oxygen tank. Some days, I’d see her sitting in her porch chair, eyes closed, napping next to her dog.) Although these little gifts were delightful, I still felt miserable.
FINAL BREATH: Finally after a long day of overtime and carrying hours and hours of extra work on top of my load, I felt I had enough. I planned to not return the following day and submit my resignation letter that evening. So I did it. The next morning, I felt like wrapping myself up in my blankets and sleeping all day. I didn’t want to get up because what would happen with my life now?
Throughout the day, I stressed over the fact that I was unemployed. How do I face my family? I started thinking that maybe I should had waited until another job opportunity opened up. (If you know me, you know how easily I stress and worry. It’s something I’m still working on.) Then from the inside, I heard something tell me, “Just trust in God. Just trust in God.” Then it became, “Trust in Me. Trust in Me.” (Notice the capitalization.) So did. I let go of my worries and stress for a few hours and dove into reading my books. I released it out of me like air I exhale. A few hours later, I received an email saying a position at a school that I applied for a few months ago wanted me to start working the next day, tomorrow. Beyond words, I was silent and oh so amazed at how God is faithful.
I had struggled to get out of bed in that morning because I was afraid the world was crumbling down around me. To be honest, I felt I did not trust God in the moment. In fact, I had been unfaithful. I had neglected my church ministry and had missed several weeks of church all because I chose to put a job ahead of everything. If anyone deserved the least, it was I. Yet God still pulled through for me on this day. Faithful He had been, and faithful He will be. I cannot thank and praise Him enough.
SUBMERGING & SAVED: As Peter was submerged when he attempted to walk toward Jesus on the waves of the sea, I, too, was submerged. It wasn’t until I finally let go and was completely hopeless that Jesus stretched His hand to grab me. I, now, sit here and just think of what would had happened if God had not saved me during this time. Would I had fallen back into depression? From the very beginning of this season, I believed that God had been overlooking, but along the way, I had been lost in my emotions, physical strength, and my own merit that I was blinded to His guiding hand and my dependence on Him. Sometimes, it takes swallowing a mouthful of “salty” water before acknowledging you need help. (“Salty” because of guilt, shame, regret, or what have you.)