In the midst of waiting and not understanding

For the past few days, it was without a doubt emotionally challenging and draining for everyone in this nation. The many deaths all over the United States shook the lives of every breathing civilian. The deaths of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, the Dallas Police Officials, and many, many others were results of fear and anger, the prime emotions that drive perfectly sane individuals to do the unthinkable, the unimaginable.

So much had happened in a matter of days. Tragedy from all over the world, from different communities, other states, but one personal tragedy broke my heart to its core in the midst of this nation’s turmoil. My heart couldn’t be more torn. Sadness couldn’t had affected me more.

I have so many questions, so many. But I know that my questions may not be fully answered. They may not be fully clarified. And I may not be able to comprehend or even agree with the answers, but in the midst of waiting and not understanding, I will remain faithful and know that my God is still the ruler, that this is His world. I believe that these doings were not of God, not from God. (I can get into it more, but I’d have to pull out my philosophy books and formulas. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.)

Anyway, I am lost for words. The only words that I can bring myself to say (or sing) are the words (or lyrics) from a hymn written decades ago…

 

“This is my Father’s world. O let me never forget.

That though the wrong seems often so strong, God is the ruler yet!”

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Will it be depression or reflection?

I am at the point in my life where being an adult is not a choice but rather a requirement. Being an adult is more than becoming independent. It is more than just knowing how to handle your own problems, more than taking knowing how to take care of yourself. But being adult actually means being the dependable one, handling others’ problems, knowing how to take care of others, etc.

In the past, I had always thought becoming an adult was solely a concept of independence. I thought it centered around “self.” For example: living on your own, paying for your own bills, scheduling your own doctor visits, etc. However, for the past few months, I’ve realized that being an adult is rather the concept of being a responsible party for either your parents, younger siblings, friends, etc.

Today, the classic adjective word “adult” has been trending as a verb. I’ve heard this verb being in taglines such as “How to ‘adult'” or “‘Adulting’ for Dumbies.” Okay, so I made those up. But it is a trend, and it is picking up.

In all seriousness, I believe people my age (mid 20’s) have their lives pretty much figured out. Right? People my age have stable careers and/or are married or in a relationship. I have neither. I am 24, live with my parents, have no full-time job, have no boyfriend, have no direction in life.

For the past three months of living at home since graduating, I have been through, what do people call it, unemployment depression. I’ve had several job interviews, one job offer, no promises of a future career. I am at a point in my life where the questions “What are you doing with your life? Where are you going?” really terrify me. These questions keep me up at night and make me cry pity tears often.

I won’t deny that depression has gotten the best of me. I lie in my bed many times a day because I tell myself, “Why get up?” As many days and months have gone by since I’d felt like my life had a purpose and that I was going somewhere, I am now tired and exhausted of feeling sorry for myself. I believe rather than sulking in my unfortunate life-after-college, I will take this time to be patient.

Perhaps I’ve tried to rush into finding a career, when in all honesty, I don’t even know what I want to do. Sure, I have this ideal job in my head, but it’ll take time. Perhaps this is a season in my life where I ought to reflect on my life, wisely, before jumping to current of the real world.

I don’t want to slap a Bible verse onto this thought like it’s okay, but, really, it’ll be okay.

Philippians 4:6

Rant: not-so-happy childhood memories

Rant of the night:
I really hate it when my parents disagree and argue about the stupidest, smallest things. I just wish they can see eye-to-eye on everything. Although that is impossible and unrealistic, I wish they can know how to talk to one another in a respectful and humble way when they don’t agree. And I wish they can listen and understand one another, or at least try to.
I am 24, and I live with my parents, still. (Strange? Well, it’s pretty normal in my culture. Unmarried children are to live with their parents until they are wedded. Well, this applies to girls usually.) Anyway, Mom and Dad disagreed on traveling. Mom wants to go to Israel and Dad doesn’t want to travel period. Mom just wants to plan the trip, but Dad isn’t making any promises. They both are aware that their budgets are tight which is the reason why Dad isn’t for the trip. Mom isn’t respecting Dad’s decision like usual. I get it. Mom wants to travel, but maybe she can propose something to convince Dad to go with her because she doesn’t want to go alone anyway. She wants to go with Dad.
Their words and raised voices took me back to my not-so-happy childhood memories when my parents argued and fought over the stupidest, littlest things. I guess things still haven’t changed. But those memories were the darkest moments of my life. I feel like a child again, at 24. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket and hide in the darkest corner of my room with my hands over my ears. Sometimes I wish my parents understood Dr. Phil and other talk-shows during the day. Or sometimes I wish my parents had marriage counseling classes. I actually have a really great book on building relationships that I wish they could read because I am really tired of being the adult, the parent.

Korean Dramas Sometimes Make Me Depressed

Rant: Have you ever read a book or seen a movie that deeply impacted your life and mood for a few days? In the past, I cried while reading Chronicles of Narnia, Fault in our Stars, and Battle Royale. (All of these are movies, but I had read the books before watching the films…just because.) Well, a recent K-drama, that I watched, left me depressed for maybe two days… I think I know what you are thinking, and I know. I couldn’t believe it myself.

First off, when watching Korean dramas, or anything really, don’t sink into their world and think it’s reality. You may get deceived and let down. Is it only me or do others feel so sucked into a book/movie that it leaves them feeling confused about their life almost? Idk. You may go crazy if you’re not careful. Secondly, remind yourself that it’s just entertainment. Sure, cry at the sad parts (bawl like a baby and use a whole tissue box) but don’t let those scenes purposed to tug at your heart resonate with you forever. Try to gt over it quickly. Writers can make you feel an intended way on purpose. And lastly, if you must, stay away from that genre for a while. Socialize with real, actual people. Lol. But if you have to, watch something else that is more lighthearted. (I’ve actually gone back to watching thriller and mystery. Skip romance–just kidding–for now. I’m currently watching Missing Noir M which is super good. If you like Sherlock Holmes, you’d definitely love this.)

So anyway, I believe it had been a little over half a year since I had watched a full K-drama. At the beginning of summer, I decided to slow down on K-dramas and instead focus on my college classes. Then after I graduated from college just this past December, I decided to reward myself by binge-watching a whole series. On Netflix, I decided to watch Gu Family Book which is a fantasy genre K-drama that came out in 2013–2 years ago, I know. Anyway, I had heard a lot about this drama from some friends and my sister. I also saw it on Netflix often and had never gave it a thought because it had 24 episodes, and I honestly didn’t want to commit 24 hours, whether it was 24 hours straight or chopped up. I just didn’t resonate with Gu Family Book even though I enjoyed the snippets and the OST on YouTube. But I caved in and gave it a chance because of the first two episodes! (I won’t start about Choi Jin-hyuk being one of my most favorite Korean celebrities. Lee Seung-gi grew on me too. That smile and his acting were brilliant! Definitely one of my new favorite Korean actors.)

Gu Family took me roughly a little over 2 days to finish–perhaps it was 2 days and a few hours. Crazy, I know. I sacrificed sleep and got through nearly 10 episodes in one night. Now that is called commitment, right?

My reasons for watching Gu Family Book was because I fell in love with the love story between Gu Wol-ryung and Yoon Seo-hwa, who are Choi Kang-chi’s real parents. Let me just say that the first and second opening episodes caught me. It was like I was frozen in time with the blue fairy lights flying all around me. I had to jump on the Gu Family band wagon. So this love story is a bout a non-human creature falling genuinely in love with a human. Wol-ryung, the mysterious, mythical creature called “kumiho” which means nine-tailed fox, lived in a beautiful garden called Moonlight Garden. He protected the mountains, and tried to stay away from humans. But one day, his sincere heart wanted to protect a noble girl who was sold into a gisaeng house. He felt drawn to her despite she being a human and he knowing what humans think of him. Then a lot of thrilling stuff happens, yes, and after he rescues her, they fall in love. But she had no idea he was a gumiho creature. He loved her so honestly that he wanted to become human. After going through a hundred day process to become human, it was on the last day of the hundredth day that in order to further protect her from the soldiers, he had to reveal his true form to defend her. She was frightened which made her retreat back to the people who wanted her dead. 

Okay. That was just a quick, unclear recap of the beginning that wholly captured me. (I don’t want to give any spoilers away either.) But after watching the entire thing, I got really depressed. As the drama goes on, the focus is on Kang-chi’s life of desiring to become human and his love story (which is fine) but I do still prefer Wol-ryung’s love story. Let me just say that Kang-chi’s love story is another tragic one like his parents (which was unsatisfying to me.) 😦 Maybe because it was so horribly dragged and the writers just wanted to pull on our heart-strings. I am not gonna deny that I didn’t cry. I did cry. A lot too. I practically mopped my kitchen floor with my tears. No, just kidding. But in all seriousness, I was not satisfied with the writing and the ending. I mean, it was just really, really sad! I felt like the writer(s) took advantage of my attention and turned it into a sob story that just wasn’t all that worth it. All of my emotions were attacked, I felt. I was angry that the villain got away with so many schemes. I was sad that Yeo-wool was sacrificed. I was just miserable. I felt the script didn’t justify how great the characters were. I don’t mean to misguide anyone. There were great scenes and wonderful character development…. so good. But the ending was sadly slapped on. I guess I had high expectations for that drama. Oh well. However, nothing beats the love story between the human girl and the nine-tailed fox!

Wol Ryung & Seo Hwa (CJH & LYH) <3 #GFB:

My Rant About Donald Trump and “2 Corinthians”

Rant: Is anyone else talking about how Donald Trump said “two” Corinthians instead of “second” Corinthians? Well, I can’t imagine how embarrassed he must had been after realizing that he mis-read the speech, written for him by Tony Perkins, in front of hundreds of Evangelizing Christians at Liberty University. In an interview with CNN, Trump defended himself, saying it’s not a big deal though. He’s right. It’s kinda really not a big deal, except it kinda is. What is a big deal is that he used the verse out of context for his own political fancy. And that is something we all have to be attentive to.

(In my personal opinion) not one of Donald Trump’s public speeches has convinced me that he has what it take to (quote-unquote) “make America great again.” What really confuses me, still, is why so many people still support this guy. ??? Honestly, who knows why? I don’t think there is one thing that this guy has said in his speeches that got me thinking “yes.” Instead, I’ve raised my brows at his appalling responses and behaviors that he had repeatedly made. His speeches and presence at the podium do not convince me that he will make a good leader of this nation. And earlier this week when he spoke at Liberty University, when he referred 2 Corinthians as “two” Corinthians and took this verse out of context, he said he wanted to protect Christianity and that he will be the “protector.” Really, Trump? Then I came across this opinion piece (by the Christian Post) which I found as a great reminder especially because elections are coming up.

“Christians should be more concerned about [Trump’s] words than his use of ‘two’ instead of ‘second’ to modify Corinthians… Trump was speaking at a Christian university, Christians should point out that his words were heretical… The incident also points to the dangers of politicians using Bible quotes for political means, and the supporters who cheer them on when they do so.” (To read the full CP article, click here

Overall, I think we should be attentive when considering who we want to elect for any election. Just because Trump (mis)read 2 Corinthians, it means he believes it, and just because Trump (mis)used the verse from the Bible, it means he is a Presbyterian as he claims himself to be.